Uncovering The Truth

Have you ever noticed how drinking masked the real seedy underbelly of who you are?  I am discovering that I am an anxious person.  Who knew!? Here I thought I was confident and concrete in who I am.  Ha!  All these years I’ve been unable to turn off my mind the old fashioned way and go to sleep.  I couldn’t let things go that people said.  I ruminated endlessly on what might happen.  Now I realize more and more that it has become necessary to air out the fears and confront why I feel scared.  I’m not used to being vulnerable.  I am learning how to truly connect.  Gotta take the bull by the horns and wrestle those fears right to the ground once and for all.  At least it’s not the kind of hungover anxiety I used to feel about what happened the night before.  Phew!  Those days are over. 

I was laying in bed last night, reflecting on St. Patty’s day.  It has been a long time since that holiday meant anything other than wearing a green t-shirt to work and hoping I don’t get smacked by some drunk asshole who’s been drinking all day.  I saw five cops in four miles on my way out to the barn yesterday and I couldn’t even fathom why.  Then I remembered.  Oh yeahhhhh, years ago I also reveled in the pub crawls and drunken debauchery in some Irish bar.  It was a morning ’til night binge fest holiday. 

Now I really can’t see the appeal.  I guess that’s great, but if you told me ten years ago that instead of drinking and dancing I’d be playing bingo with the blue hairs- I never would’ve believed you.   But there I was last night, laughing at how vicious these little old ladies can get and taking in the local “scene” on a new level.  Getting sober has meant I had to get real with myself.  I have to get to know myself all over again and cultivate the skills that were left to wither in the dark.  But I have noticed I feel more happy and animals and children seem to like me more.  I’m making better tips at work, making new friends who are wonderful, and I am noticing more details and becoming more thoughtful.  I really enjoy helping others and including people in my activities.  I used to be a lot less inclined to reach out. It gives me confidence and an outlet to have yoga, coffee dates, horse activities, and a much deeper relationship with my family.  The other night I was cleaning up after work and everyone went out to Friday’s for drinks and a bite to eat.  Not a single person asked me to go.  I told my man that I was left out feeling, and wondered if I was “boring” now.  I worried that he might find me boring because we don’t go out to the bar or have drinks and get wild anymore.  But he said he only loved me more for going to bingo!  And that he doesn’t want to do that stuff anymore either.  Things are getting better.  It’s just hard to switch gears and talk about how I really feel instead of covering up the insecure parts.  I am learning and it feels good to have support. 

Wishing you peace and authenticity tonight.  🙂 ~OTS